Weekend Education: Dating Don'ts Part 4

[Scheduled Post]

OK, here it is again. I told you the Holiday Season should officially be termed the Hook-Up Season. If you remember, I explained how people are desperate to hook up during this time. Most women definitely have their Manhunt Game face on. However, sweet and undeniably adorable that I am, I will tell you how to steer clear of the assholes. Here goes:

Never trust a guy -

1. Who thinks chivalry is for Mills & Boons historic novels.If he doesn't hold the door for you, give you the seat when the tube is crowded, he's not worth it.

2, Wears more jewellery than you. Ok, fine, this may be a more personal kind of a bias, but I do think it's a good benchmark.

3. Makes you pay for his drink. Well, equality and all that is just fine. But if he's interested in you he needs to come over and buy you a drink. Yes, this is what God wants and this is how it shall be.

4. Hits on your friends...what? there's nothing to explain! Take that at face value.

So here's hoping that this year be free of assholes in your life.

xoxo

Weekend Education: Dating Don't Part 3

Dating Don'ts are back to make your lives happier & less traumatic. This time a more advanced state of dating don'ts is in store for you. Let's say you managed to convince some poor fool that you are meant to be together...forever (yikes). You took his/her commitment phobia stomped on it and made it disappear for enough time so as to make him believe that he/she would be really happy with one person for the rest of their lives. So much so that the thought of kids, runny noses, minivans, houses with white picket fence and babyproofing that same house doesn't scare them out of their wits...anymore.

I will take a moment here and acknowledge the awesomeness that is you, because you managed to do something that a lot of people...well, can't.

However, let me tell you for most of you while you're dating - it is the best your relationship will ever be. There are addendums to that rule, but let's assume that is not for you, Ok? So when you're planning to seal the deal with a kiss and a bomb of a ring - here is what you should keep in mind:

Make sure you're alone while you're popping the question that keeps the human race moving forward. And maybe a few close friends for the after party. Trust me you need to do this. You need to remember how good you two are together and how happy you were while doing it. You need you're happiest memory in place for the times you want to throw utensils at each other!

Also, once the families take charge, there's no looking back. Everything goes in lightning speed and there's hardly enough time for you to catch your breath & the whole shabang. So, while you can, get the private moment and save it in your memory.

Weekend Education: Dating Don'ts Part 2

I'm back with my overflowing profound knowledge of the dating universe. While the last one was about how you get started on the journey with the right partner, this one is about the journey. Because, well you know there are some third parties who always have a pre-defined agenda to spoil what you have going on because they think it's cute or bitchy or retarded or whatever and they don't know that they are PISSING POEPLE OFF ENOUGH TO GET THEM MURDERED BECAUSE THEIR HEADS ARE SO FAR UP THEIR ASSES THAT EVEN RESEARCHERS WOULD THINK THEY ARE A DIFFERENT SPECIES! 'ASSOLORDS' ...maybe.

Okay, I feel better now. But, seriously, the way things are right you better be holding on to that guy for dear life because before you start acting pricey and bat your eyelids one too many times a third party would have had babies with your supposedly better halves.

Now, there are some ground rules before I start with my training on getting rid of Assolords. Let's call it Project: Demolition.

Ground Rules:

1. Your 'Better Half' isn't necessarily better than you.

       Corollary to 1: This means he is prone to cheating unless you are convinced he/she is devoid of any genitals. 

2. Murphy's Law: Just when you think he has sworn his entire sperm sac/uterus (whatever the case may be) to you he/she will somehow end up being attacked by an over-hormonal bitch/dog. For what happens next refer to Ground Rule 1.

3. You are allowed to attack/mutilate/castrate any third party (referred to in Ground Rule 2) that appears in your life. Except killing almost everything else is allowed.

4. This post does not take into consideration the Laws of the State which could result in imprisonment or trials.

5. Because of Ground Rule 4 this post will give you techniques of combatting or demolishing the Third Party without jeopardizing your life career etc.

Okay here goes...

1. Get Your Girl Army Together

Cold shoulders, snide comments, looks with daggers, bitchy once overs - Your weapons. These people we are dealing with can deal with all of these one by one but not all of them together. So get your army and make sure they are being bombarded with these and more at all times. Relentlessly. Till they give in and decide it's better to not have such negative people in their lives. We are of course not negative. Just pretending to be *smile*
Examples: Drop a coke on them and be like - Oops, I'm soooo sorry. How could I have done that! I really didn't see, you know.
Accidentally bump into them, Hard
Look at her top and say, OMG this is such a nice shirt/top/whatever. If you lost an inch around your waist it would look so nice on you!

2. PDA

Indulge in nauseating amounts of PDA in front of them. If it's nauseating for you, rest assured it's nauseating for them. They are bound to back out.

3. Gum In Hair

This will ensure she gets PWNED and knows that she can't mess with you. Ofcourse this is the part that comes when you think nothing else is working. Buy your favorite chewing gum, chew it for sometime and then with a flair, that only a professional thief like Danny Ocean could have, stick it on her hair. She'll chop her hair off and hopefully look ridiculous. But she'll also know not to be around YOU!

Now that you are well equipped and prepared, have fun in the weekend!

Weekend Education: Dating Don'ts - Part 1

I thought since most people are completely *missing the point* when it comes to dating I'd help them out. And since weekends are generally the time when people go out and party and feel the obsessive need to hook up with people I thought I'd impart some weekend education on Dating Don'ts. Hey! All of us are aware of the Dos but very few people, I mean very very few people know about the Don'ts. Also as FYI for the couples, Weekends and Holidays (esp NYE, Christmas etc) are equivalent to the Zombie Apocalypse of the SingleHood world. Feel free to call it Couplehood-PDA-Overdose Apocalypse or some such thing. IDK.

Here goes the first few rules of the Dating Don'ts:

1. Do Not Date A Girl/Guy With Crazy Eyes

Just in case you're not aware of what 'Crazy Eyes' really looks like.
It's always a Potential One-Day-You-Find-Your-House-In-A-Wreck alert! Trust me. Crazy eyes would mean she's obsessed with something or maybe takes things too personal. So you'd have to really think hard before pissing her off. And if you do...one fine day you walk into your apartment to find a major case of vandalism there. Oh and that also means you will NEVER BE ABLE TO BREAK UP WITH HERRRR!

2. Do Not Date a Guy/Girl Who Spits All Over Your Face While Talking

Or for that matter spits on your friends face and his girlfriends face. Soon you'll find she's spitting on the faces of everybody who is close to you. And before you could bat another eyelid you'd need wipers on your glasses. And just in case you don't wear glasses...well, too bad!

3. Do Not Date Anyone Who Sleeps With A Knife Under Their Pillow

Safety is an ...wait for it...EXCUSE! That knife will be the only indication to her psychotic behaviour. Before you think I'm over reacting let me tell you that there are alternatives to taking care of her safety. Burglar Alarms, Pepper Spray...the works. So why why oh why a KNIFE? So that in the middle of the night when your defenses are down and out  she can quickly and sure....I will leave the rest of that sentence to your imagination.

These are things your mom won't tell you, so, You're Welcome!

Stay tuned for more...later!