Changes

The Point.

I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for.

This is all I have been thinking about in an all consuming kind of way. I don't want to sit around work in an MNC and worry about carpal injuries from incessant typing and deteriorating eye sight from looking at my laptop 10 hours a day. Maybe I'm just tired of the routine, the monotony or casual listless-ness that life has seemingly taken on, maybe it's just a phase or maybe I'm serious.

The great thing about being in your 20s is that you don't know. You can't figure it out. All you have is this stupid careless heart which will bully your brain into realizing what you want or don't want. Why can't the heart leave the brain alone?

What is it that I want? I want to volunteer, I want to teach, I want to travel, tell people what a wonderful gift travelling is, teach people to apply themselves, help them figure out who they are, tell them it's okay to be a misfit, tell kids that education is important, show them what they can do, that they have a choice, everybody has a choice. So why do I feel like I don't have a choice?

I want to learn. Learn about things I don't know. Keep an open mind and an open heart. I want to sit down and solve math problems because 10 years down the line I find solving them much easier than answering questions like "What to wear to work today?" or "Why is this happening to me?".

I want to see. See new cultures, new horizons, new places, new people. I want to hear. Hear about these new people, hear their opinions, hear their views. I want to believe. Believe that all of this will change me for the better, believe that I can do almost anything that I set my mind to.

So what are you saying, you ask. I'll say, I'm at that Point. What point? THE point. The point in life when you realize that everything you've worked towards is not what you wanted or even care for at this moment. The point when you need to re-evaluate everything you've done. Redo everything you've spent your entire 20s working on and building. The point where in some weird way it all starts to make sense and make no sense all at the same time.

Write You Off

Don't let anybody write you off.
You know what you are and what you will be.
You wear your scars & you carry your baggage.
It always takes a lot more than judging to know what it is
To be in someone else's shoes.
For all you know, you wouldn't be able to walk even a mile in mine.
You make your own stories & Stories can be powerful.
Just like you.

Quote-Love #3 & A Writing Meme

Anything less than mad, extraordinary, passionate love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life to deal with and love shouldn't be one of them.  ~ Frankie, Dream For An Insomniac


In other things, I decided to participate in a writing meme! Exciting, noh? It's a website call WriteOnEdge.com, which used to be called the The Red Dress Club. What was most intriguing was why they chose to call it the red dress club. And I thought, hell yeah, I'm in!


Tonight, we have been asked by the Write on Edge to write a story as a tweet. 140 characters. So, here we go. 

He saw her through his tears. Hazy. Choices had to be made. Love, the perfect impossibility. Then he walked away one last time.

Quote-Love #2

I'm still in the middle of finishing a post, because it's been crazy busy at work! Meanwhile I thought I'd give you guys something to laugh about and keep you entertained :)

One of my all time favorite drunk quotes is:

Upasana on a beer drinking spree and in amidst heated conversation about something, i really don't remember what, told Mr. B, "Rehaaaaan! That should be a NO-BONER for you!"

That's what started months of indelible love, friendship and laughter with all the homies like I've never believed possible!

3:10 AM Musings

They say somethings are better left unsaid

Sometimes I'm not so sure

they say the best things in life come free.

You know whats the worst?

When you pay for the same things

Whats wrong in giving it all away?

The mind takes over the soul, the heart

That's what happens when you become world wise

Oh what I would not give to get back the innocence of the youth



What happens when you know that across the fence

There is something better

Just out of your reach

What stops you?

The world?

Not likely you know….

Its you, yourself…cowards that we humans tend to be



And yes, maybe you did give it all away

But I can't be sure…

Nice guy…thanks for being so..but…

I can never be sure

I hope you know


Now…did I give it all away?




- Pooja Guha

Figments Of My Imagination

"...I would have named them Grace & Hope"

She gripped the edges of the washbasin in a dilapidated washroom of this huge hospital. She could feel her palms becoming cold and clammy as she stared at her knuckles that had turned white because she held onto the basin so tight. She almost didn't have the courage to walk out of the washroom with her urine sample. Then slowly but steadily she looked into the mirror and wondered why she was so afraid to take the urine sample to the attendant. It had already been confirmed. She was pregnant. This sample was for some other tests. So why the hesitation? It really, actually took her only 2 secs to figure that one out. Just by walking out of the room she would be setting in motion the events that would lead to the operation she was dreading. But what choice did she have. Many would say, it was the wrong thing to do. But she couldn't, she really couldn't. This wasn't the right time. They weren't ready. She couldn't bring a baby into this world knowing she wouldn't be able to give it her everything. It just wasn't fair. She knew what she had to do. So, why did she get this sinking feeling.

Deep Breath. And she walks out of the room. Her vision is blurry but the decision has already been taken. Handing over the urine sample she set in motion the events that would remain etched in memory as long as she lived. As long as she breathed.

As she waited for the cab to reach the hospital. Everything about the meeting with the gynac kept replaying over and over in her thoughts till she thought she'd lose her mind!


Doc: Hi, how long has it been since...
Her: 2 weeks approx
Doc: Ok. Lie down.
Her: Ok
Doc: What do you do?
Her: I work in this agency downtown.
Doc: Definitely pregnant. Looks more like 8 weeks. A pill won't work We need a medical termination. How is tomorrow for you?
Her: Tomo is good, but, 8 weeks...
Doc: Good. Don't come alone. And don't eat anything. Get these tests done and be here by 8:30 sharp.


She fought to regain control. She had to go back to him. Needed to be with him. Hold his hand and just sit.


As soon as she walked into the office and saw him she let the tears flow. She let go of the control she had desperately held onto. She'll try and be strong later. For now, she just wanted to break down.

It was the morning after. She tried to soak everything in. She tried to remember every little detail. Even though there wasn't anything happy or nice about today she still wanted to remember every little thing that happened and she had no idea why. As they drove into the parking lot of the Hospital a shiver ran down her spine. Wishing desperately that she could have been a real life re-run of Juno but knowing that couldn't happen.

The wait for the nurses to appear. The change  of clothes. The super loose hospital clothes. Going to a separate bed where she waited some more. Making sure he was there all along. Everything was a blur. The only thing that kept her from losing her ming was his presence. The assurance that he wasn't going anywhere. Then popping some pills that started this excruciating pain. They really should have warnings for something like this. As she lay in the gurney which was being taken to the OT she could only hear her heart throbbing. Everything else was like a background score. As they wheeled her into the OT she caught a glimpse of his face. And she saw badly veiled panic. Closing her eyes she fought for control.

The doctor tried to make some conversation. In vain. Nothing registered. As the attending anesthesiologist pumped some general anesthesia into her veins the doctor said something else that caught her attention. She remembered the Gynac saying it as well.

Doc: Since the uterus looks like almost 8 weeks into the pregnancy we'll give you some antibiotics later on so that there are no post-operation complications.
Her: But, it can't be 8 weeks.
Doc: I know what you mean. Looks like there is more then one in there.

She wanted to say something, she wanted to cry. But the anesthesia had taken over. The cold liquid was in her veins doing what it did best.

2 hours later when she woke up, still drowsy, but able to process everything all she wanted to was to see him and make sure nothing had changed in the world while she was away. Later, after some usual hospital drama, with him sitting by her side she thought...

...Next time, I'm going to be here on my own terms and conditions. Next time, I'll prepare for you (both of you) and give you everything you need. And Love. I'll give you the love you deserve. For now, you'll be the Hope and Grace of my life.