December 29, 2010

The Best Laid Plans

It's not enough for your heart to break, because everybody's heart is broken now ~ Allen Ginsberg

December 20, 2010

9AM: I wake up with the words from yesterday's fight creating havoc in my head till it's almost madness. I roll over and look at you, you're asleep with those adorable sheet creases on your face. I hug you. You turn away.

11AM: You tell me, "Baby, are you ok? Do you really want to do this?" I nod emphatically in agreement, because right now in my life there is nothing I want more that you. I want this. I want us.

1:20PM: Lunch. Things look ok. Atleast, that's what I let myself believe.

2:40PM: I thought to myself 'It's just a small fight. We'll get over it' - I couldn't have been more wrong. So, I walked over to his desk, in my head practicing my best smile while I ask him for a smoke break. I did just that. He turned and said, 'I am talking to QB' That would be his ex. Apparently the love of his life. I will refer to her as QB for the sake of anonymity. I walk away. It's amazing how you can smile, hold your head up high and walk away when a word, a sentence or a look just sucked the life out of you.

4-something PM: We're sitting on the stairs, opposite the 'No Smoking' sign, cigarette in hand. While I hear those words tumble out of his mouth - It's not fair to me, he's being a jerk, he can't get over her, he can't stop thinking about her. All the while he talked I did a virtual scream in my head and I said, 'Stop it! Stop saying those things! You don't mean it. If you cared you wouldn't have gone running to her just after we fought. You never gave us a chance.' But I just sat there and looked at his pretty mouth form those words while my eyes teared up.

5:30 ish PM: I had lost all track of time. Work was a haze. I waited for the conversation we promised ourselves. Now we are sitting in his car in the parking lot. It's too cold outside. We cry. We look at each other. We try to say the appropriate thing. Doesn't happen. We cry some more. Then I say, 'Let's try us. Let's try being together. After a while if you still feel the same we can let go of each other. You say it's difficult to be without me so let's not do this. Let's give us a chance' And I'm surprised I said that at all. And here we are with the agreement that we'll be together till it makes sense. If things change we'll be together some more. And I'm crossing my fingers and placing all my bets on things changing.

You see, the best laid plans never work out. I've been a hopeless romantic all my life. Wanted that perfect relationship, with the perfect guy who would say the perfect things when I woke up. But that's what it is about this life. Don't make plans, don't be in a hurry for life to happen. It will in it's own time. For somethings you just have to wait. I'm going to quote a line from the movie 'The Weather Man' - "In this shit life, we must chuck some things." Kind of seems apt at this time. If it comes to chucking something I'll do it. Till then, I'm right here.

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