January 27, 2011

It's No Ordinary Love

**Cigarette Smoking is Injurious to Health**

I remember the first time I picked up a cigarette. It was a mundane Monday evening (sometime in late June) in a pub called 10 Downing Street in Hyderabad, India. It wasn't love at first sight. Was just plain lust. Trying to wrap my head around the mysticism that is around something that is new, unknown.

The love affair started on Friday of the same week. Same place. They say you never lose love for a friend who's been with you at your weakest and darkest point. That was probably my darkest and weakest hour. Fresh out of a almost 3 year long relationship, I was giving up with every word, every move. Hanging onto my sanity by a thread. Looking for love where there was none. Trying to believe in the superficial. I remember lighting the first cigarette of the evening like it was yesterday. Whenever I'm trying to picture it I can't remember the colors that surrounded us. It's like an old black and white movie in my head. Sometimes I wonder why I remember it so clearly. Even to the minute details, for example, the table we had, the drinks we ordered, which chair I was sitting on.

And sometimes I think it's because that was the first time in MONTHS that I let my self be, let myself not think. As I fit the cigarette snugly between my two fingers, it felt right. I stared at the ember, took it all in and let it out. For the first time in a long time my mind was free of thoughts and my heart didn't ache that bad. One more drag and then a couple more till I slowly drifted away into thoughtlessness. I danced like a mad woman. That's what Upasana tells me.

Since then those white sticks have been with me every single day. Mr Ultra Milds and I, we have never looked back. Us, together, the world just made sense that way. I mean do you know what we've been through? Disastrous meetings with Managers, reunion with friends, collapsible fits of laughter, one whole year of Insomnia, pensive times, bad reality TV, chick flicks that I have seen way too many times, midnight snacking, late night chats, falling in love again, way too many broken hearted moments, confusions, happiness, rainy evenings, and days when you just want lie in your bed and die. No man would ever do that, but Mr. Ultra Milds did. How can I not love him the way I do?

Over these 3 years it's become an important part of my life. That's not the best thing to say, but that's the truth. It's like the friend that always turns up when you want it to, never too far away. I remember the times when this friend was called upon way too many times. Those days are over. I don't want him to be around all the time. But so many times I've pulled out a cigarette when life didn't make sense. To ease that troubled soul of mine. To make sense when there was none. And sometimes to just invite Mr. Thoughtlessness. Because Mr Ultra Milds, Mr. Thoughtlessness and me, we make a super threesome. All those times I've sat in the park near my house on a cold winter evening or a hot summer afternoon smoking a cigarette thinking about this thing called Life, they've only brought me closer to myself, to my beliefs. Essential threads in the fabric of my existence. It's funny how these white sticks that are not really doing much good to me (yes, I know about the Cancer threat and all) did a whole lot of soul healing. It's like the boy you know is bad news but you keep going back because you just can't get enough.

But it's time to let you go. It's time to not call you to fix all the bad times and relationships. I know that something always brings you back to me me back to you. But this is the year that I set you free. Set myself free. We don't need each other anymore. In these past years I had convinced myself that you were everything I needed. You helped me from being fragile. However, I've decided that post this year I'm gonna go it alone. Do my own thang, ya know :)

16 comments:

Upasana said...

I knew you guys would fall in love the moment you said, 'where's my brand?' and I said- 'you don't have one!! u started 5 mins ago'. This one lasted a while for us- hopelessly in love with Mr. Ultramilds like two chicks in a bad K-serial (read uttran).. but eventually, we both lost i think!

Julie said...

omg you make me wanna smoke again. they're in my purse too! ugh but great post! i love how you compared the cig to a dude haha that cig will neva let you down. not until we get cancer or something?

SchmoobleeSaver said...

I need to quit! I definitely could relate to your post...

I'm a new GFC follower. I came across your blog on the Sunday Blog Hop.

I would love if you followed me back! Check out my savings blog! http://www.schmoobleesaves.com

Thanks, look forward to your posts.

♥ Gabrielle

Grace said...

Best wishes on your new venture of going it alone.
I'm sure you won't regret the decision for a healthier you :)

CityGirlChic said...

Good for you! I kept reading and hoping that this was be the end result. For a few moments there I had a few doubts because you seemed so happy with your white sticks. They comfort you until you get sick and then their no where to be found, like a guy whose afraid of commitment! Anyway, you can do it!

Renae said...

This post is so inspiring... I to want, and NEED to quit smoking. I hope I (like you have done) can find it in me to just say 'no more' an let it go.
I'm wishing you luck!
(I *hopped* over from FTLOB 'comment love' post)
Have a wonderful day! :0)

Relevant Notes Blog said...

Good luck! :)

Morgan said...

Wow, smokes. A dirty love in a past life. This takes me back to when I gave up the sticks, it's am emotional battle but it sounds like you are ready!

Diana said...

Great post, I've often felt times that I "need" to pick up a cigarette but remember why I quit in the first place. My husband and I both quit cold turkey once we found out I was pregnant, it was just time. Good luck to you!

Sweta said...

Inspiring post!Though I have been been addicted to the Cigs..I have a different kind of addiction.Junk food.When I say addiction,I MEAN addiction.Looking forward to adding them to my *once in a while*,or better *rare* purchases
Good luck!

me_duress said...

My love affair has been a short one, but I think you will like this - come on over :)

http://anothermansdream.blogspot.com/2010/02/fire-to-ashes.html

Subtle Expressions said...

Are you still keeping up with this resolve... i doubt.

PG said...

I said POST this year!

Shady said...

Fakkk .. Love this one!!!!

Bishakha said...

Wow.. never really saw cigs and smoking from this point of view..felt it for sure but never realized.. Finally someone appreciates the bad guy for all the good deeds it does - "soul-healing" for sure :-P.. loved this post!!!

Kyria @ Travel Spot said...

This is very well written. I like that you have written about something that you know is bad, but you have made us ALL want something so comforting as that little white stick.

I notice this is an older post -- how's it going? Did you quit?

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