February 28, 2011

Lights Will Guide You Home And Ignite Your Bones And I Will Try To Fix You

There are some things I have to say to you. You know who you are. I want to say this as a friend, not as the girlfriend you know. I feel I need to say this to you, because I want you to be happy, more than anything else. The person I've come to know is beautiful inside and out and my love for you is not restricted to being your girlfriend. And if you were one of my best pals, which you are, but if you were ONLY my best friend I would say...

Hearts break. Sometimes without rhyme or reason. Sometimes with all of that and more. And when a heart breaks it never breaks even. Nevertheless, it brings with it a physical pain that cannot be penned down, and in those times you'd rather have that physical pain than be numb. The pain is reminder that you had something worthwhile to feel the pain for. It's OK. I will tell you what my best friend told me some 10 years back. "It will be alright, trust me. Just breathe, love."
Just. Breathe. Letting go has never been easy, but nobody said you have to let go. The heart is magical, it really has enough room for all your loved ones. Time heals all wounds. And yours will heal too. Meanwhile, I will help you pick those pieces up. No matter how long this takes we will slowly and steadily put those pieces back together, one at a time. And when you think you're free falling into a daze or rock bottom, I'll catch your every fall.
Man, these times are hard. But we'll sit up all night and drink beer. Eat Pizza. Say things we wouldn't say otherwise. And talk and smile even when we want to cry. Hurl insults at Life. Watch the sunrise wash over us.  Pass Out. We'll spend weekends talking about your "Jesus." Spill coffee, answer all your questions. And when you break down, I'll tell you to hold your head up high and not look back and ...believe, because that is all that is in our hands. I'll take you to far away places with my stories. And play those silly games of ours. And Listen to you till you want to talk no more. Sleep. Repeat till one day you wake up all healed.

I'm right here. Don't worry. This is for you.

Life Should Be A Musical, Music Monday #1 & Too Much Work

Sometime I feel the need to burst into a spontaneous song once in a while. Like 'Du Hast Mich' when I'm disagreeing with my boss, or a happy 'Candy In The Sun' on a particularly good Sunday, or 'Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For you' when I feel my love for Mr. B overflow (cheesy, I know). You know, something to make the moment perfect, something to bend the light and freeze it forever. So I kid you not, but I SINCERELY believe that my life should've been a musical. Is it just me or are there more of you out there? Please say yes, tell me I'm not crazyyyy....Aaarghhh!

Anyhoo...So here's to a Music Monday. This Adele is totally winning my appreciation hands down. She's sooooo talented and I love the texture of her voice, it's amazing. Ok fine, I'll stop before I sound like a creep. But seriously you guys should check her out. I love. Especially 'Someone Like You.' A little sad...but infinitely amazing. Here you go:

Also, I need some complaining to do. I am drowned in so much work that I have hardly any breathing time. That just sucks. I'm waiting for a day when I have something positive to say about my work. Soon, should be soon. Sigh.

Cya guys later :)

February 27, 2011

Monologue #2

*Post written on Jan 20. Set to be published a month later. I just want to see how far I've gone from this frame of mind a month from now*

Don't Tempt To Be Everything I Ever Dreamt You Would Be...

It's so easy to fool one self into thinking something. But, who are we kidding? I mean who was I kidding when I told myself I'm just here till he wants, nothing else...When the time comes and those feelings we feel haven't deepened (for you of course, as for me I'm drowning in the tide of my feelings)  I'll let you go. Yeah, right.

Why did I always tell myself that I'm here till he wants it and when the time comes and I'll be strong and I'll get over it. When in fact I never will. I never will.

When you're unsure and you don't know where you're heading, everyday can be a battle, every second a hurdle. Every moment you're struggling to keep your head up from the clouds of insecurity, pessimism. Think happy thoughts, I tell myself. It takes time to build love, I tell myself. And everyday I wait for a wonder.

But I don't want to wait for a wonder. I don't want any mixed signals. I love truth. I want the plain, simple, harsh truth. Even if it meant that I'd be hurt. I don't want to be carrying and protecting that torch for you if all you want is someone to take the loneliness away. I don't want to be no backup option, which I'm afraid I am. This is why I never ask you to chose even in the throes of a bad fight. Because I know, I'll never be the choice you make. How much more can you love someone? How much more? I have been a fool for you...I know that I will be a fool for you for a long time to come. Like always.

But the problem is not you or what you'd say or won't say, what you'd do or won't do. The Problem is me. Cos I know I will wait, as long it takes. Even when I know I shouldn't, I will wait. That can't be good. I'm afraid, that some 10 years down the line, I will be thinking, 'I'm still not over him.'

Yes, The problem is...That I'll keep on waiting. Because you tempt to be everything I ever dreamt you would be. 

It's just one of those days I guess.

*UPDATE: I'm effing on top of the world bitches! Jeez, I can write quite a sob story when I want to, hmph.*

February 23, 2011

Men With Dogs...

ALWAYS get my attention. Only if the man is tending towards the cuter side ofcourse. Not any random man will do. WTF, I have standards people!

I mean the only thing more drool-worthy than a man with dog is a man with a baby and both have to be cute. Call me vain, but it is how it is.  

But do you know why the 'Man with a dog' scenario still wins over the 'Man with a baby' scenario?
Because in the former one there is still a chance that the cute guy is single :D Classic example -  David Stehle of  'The Rest is Still Unwritten.' with his English Bulldog Diesel. Mannnn, I love the guy and the dog, and BOTH tweet! Could you really ask for anything more?

Anyway, go check out his blog. You won't regret it. Yes, even you BOYS won't regret it.

February 22, 2011

Meet Cute, Passion & 'Shut Up & Kiss Me' Moment

meet-cute is a convention of romantic comedies in which two potential romantic partners meet in a contrived way in unusual or comic circumstances. A staple of the romantic genre, the technique creates an artificial situation contrived by the filmmakers in order to bring together characters in an entertaining manner. This is what stuck with me in an otherwise OK movie called the 'The Holiday.' In the movie Eli Wallach tells Kate Winslet "Say a man and a woman both need something to sleep in and both go to the same men's pajama department. The man says to the salesman Ted, I just need bottoms, and the woman says, I just need a top. They look at each other and that's the meet-cute." In my case, our meet cute has 'Kurt Cobain' & cigarettes stamped all over it. Almost.

'Dude, I LOVE Cobain'
'Yea man, Cobain's the BEST' - Conversation over cigarettes almost sealed the deal for us, I think. My MC is better than yours, damn right, it's better than yours! Kidding :)

I think it's so much easier to connect to anyone when you share a common passion, a common love. Someone (I don't know who, and I'm too lazy to Google it right now) once said, 'Nothing great in life has ever been achieved without passion.' So true. I mean, have you ever really really lived, if there is no passion in your life. And it may not be world-changing or great, it could be the smallest things. Just one thing that brings that fire in your eyes. I see it in my Mom's eyes when she teaches, I see it in my Dad's eyes when he plays Cricket, in my Sister's eyes when she's dancing. I see it in Mr. B's eyes when he talks about Cricket and sometimes when he looks at me.

Passion also makes people crazy. It's a tough job being with a passionate person. Everything is heightened, a big deal, everything makes you wanna give your 100%. Makes you fight as well. I fight with Mr. B. I mean, come on, how can you not fight ever? That's not natural. isn't it? But I am guilty of starting a fight a lot of times. But the problem is, halfway through the fight I lose interest in it. Because of course the fight isn't as important as the person I'm fighting with. Never. So while things are in a rumble and heated words are being exchanged, I'm thinking, 'WTF, I don't want to fight any more. Just SHUT UP AND KISS ME!' It happens all the time with Mr. B. I call it my 'Shut Up & Kiss Me' moment.

February 21, 2011

People Ask Me...

Why Do I Play Music So Loud?
Because sometimes the thoughts in my head are too loud and all I want to do is drown them out.

February 19, 2011

I Wish You Enough...

*Sometime back I came across this email forward while cleaning my Inbox. Just so you know, I hate forwards and chain letters. I mean what has the world come to? Forward this 17354 people otherwise someone will murder you or you will die by 12 o' clock because a poisonous cat will pee on you or your great-grandfather's uncle's mother's son will come and haunt you for the rest of your life. No really, I hate these. But there was this one forward called 'I Wish You Enough' which I really really liked. No sarcasm intended here. So I'm wishing enough for all of you.*

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more...
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting…

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

February 18, 2011

Nicest Thing

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something

~Kate Nash

End of An Era, Heena Sharma, Why Goodbyes Suck

Beginning of this year was really the end of an era in more ways than one. I moved out of my house after 1 year. Why this? All of a sudden. Because suddenly I miss the fact that I dont have the house anymore. I miss it. I miss the fact that I live like a nomad nowadays. I don't really have a solid place to call my own. I'm shuttling between my new place and Mr. B's place most times. I'm not really complaining, it just feels weird after staying alone for like 2 years now.

Also a month later one of my super close friends, Heena, decided to move on with her life and left the job. She's gone to study in Australia. I couldn't be happier for her. She deserves that and so much more. Just that she was a really close friend and not having her around makes things seem a little off. Even though we didnt lunch together all the time, or hang out together at all times we talked about stuff. About things in her life and mine. Trying to make sense where there was none. And trying to say the truth to each other even if that was not we wanted to hear. We weren't always friends and Heena is testimony of the fact that first impressions are not always the right ones. I think both of us made a lot of pre-mature judgements about each other. But gradually we became friends and I treasure her friendship more than I ever expected to. Heena Sharma, here's to you and a life you always wanted.

Goodbyes Suck. Period. You know they do! I hated saying goodbye to Heena and I hated saying goodbye to all the people I have ever said goodbye to (barring a few, ofcourse). A lot of times I've thought why I hate it so much (no really, you have no idea how much it freaks me out). I figured it is because I fear I will forget the way they look and smile and talk. The small things they do that make them the person they are, that make me love them that way I do. I might forget and that's something I don't want happening.

February 17, 2011

I am...

I am that friend, and this lover.
I am a daughter, and a sister.
I am the dawn, and the moon. I am the star you can't see.

I am the first sound you make and the last thought on your mind.
I am the breeze on the beach, the dusk in the mountains.
I am the cold February rain.
I am the warm sunshine. And the cold dew at night.

I am the movie bawler, the song bawler. I am the one who cries when you shed a tear.
Yet I didn't when my world crashed around me. Many a times. 
I am weak. But I was strong.
I am short. And I have lofty ideas. I love. And I hate.
I am stable. I got my mood swings. Oh they swing and how.
I'm level headed. Hot-headed. I am stubborn and cute and a royal pain.
I understand, I sympathise, I empathise.
I am a traveller and a wanderer. I am a couch potato.
I am a night person. I am the one who loves sunrise.
I am the one with the dreams. I am the one who had Insomnia.
I am the one who questions God. I am the one who has unquestionable faith.
I am spontaneous. I am the one who plans. 
I am the one to keep promises. I am the one with confessions.
I am an open book. I am the one who's a mystery.
I am the winner and loser and the sinner and the believer.
I am everything and nothing all at once.

February 16, 2011

Life Is Good Award

Though blogosphere isn't new to me, participating in it is. So imagine how humbled I was when Nas nominated me for this 'Life Is Good' Award. Sometimes it pays to reminded about how good life really is and how no amount crap could should bring you down. 

Sometimes in our lives 
We all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow.

Conditions of accepting award:
1. Thank and put a link back to the person who so kindly gave this award.
2. Share a few things about yourself.
3. Pass the award onto some mighty fine bloggers.
4. Inform these mighty fine bloggers that they have received the award.

I Received it from:
Nas (Closing Pandora's Box): His write ups are always thought provoking. Sometimes, it'll make you sit back and imagine. I always imagine what his Charley was like, as she comes alive through his posts. A lot of his posts are about Charley, his friend. And his Post Titles I envy!

A few things about me:

1. My blue rimmed glasses (that I lost a year back) were my comfort zone for almost everything. I just felt safe with them. Haven't found that perfect pair of specs since.
2. 'I've had the time of my life' - cheesy as it sounds I can listen to it anytime of the day.
3. Not. A. Morning. Person.
4. I'm in possession of 4 phones right now. Only one works. I kept the older ones because I'm too lazy to copy the contacts from my previous phones.
5. I suffered from Insomnia for almost a year. It's worst thing that can happen to you.
6. I need my 3 cups of coffee in a day. 

An the award goes to:

1. David Stehle (The Rest Is Still Unwritten): He's witty, funny, deep, and writes like a dream. He's my favorite and I wait every week for the posts that have magic weaved in every word.
2. Essentially Me (Coming Home): She's so totally out there and has a way with words even when she's talking of things that aren't too pretty sounding. You cannot not love her!
3. Nas (Closing Pandora's Box): Deep and thoughtful. That's what Nas is all about and has the most profound things to say. If you're feeling this weird feeling and cannot put a finger on it, he'll pen it down for you and how!
4. Upasana (Mind At Work!): My crazy crazy flatmate and has the craziest things to share. And her theories, well you had better watch out for those! Assymetrically stripped fishes and crazy 13th floor omen and Indian mythology...you say it and she pat comes her opinion on it.

Yeah, that's about it. It took me forever to write this!

February 4, 2011

A Question, Drunken Promises, Hangover

Yesterday I stayed back pretty late at work (till about 11.30pm - had a client call, ugghh) and also because later I were to go this partay with friends. Anyhoo, so I was hungry and ate a small amount food (because like some women I'm not blessed with the best metabolism) but then I saw those Gulab Jamuns and I caved :(
These Indian sweets are LOADED with calories but like all things that ooze saturated fat these are yummy. Mmmm. But no one was around while I ate it. Remember that philosophical question (which later sparked some major scientific discussion as well) that went something like: If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
So if no one saw me eating those, did I really eat it? And if I didn't really eat it, do those calories count? I really am the queen of wishful crapful thinking.

Oh so the party was good. Real good. Because the alcohol was on the house. So getting drunk was the only option. Mr. B and I, when drunk, make promises of forever. I like them drunken promises.

We got out of the place at 5 in the morning. Five, mothef***kers, five. On a weekday! Next time remind not to party up on a weekday. Unless there is alcohol on the house. And since office was closer to the club than our place we decided to go to office Also, since all of us were hammered out of our wits we thought we might as well sleep in the car. One awesome decision after another. We really were on a roll. 4 hours later when I woke up (which is actually just 4 hours ago), still drunk, I was limbless and my neck had gone for a toss. The car was stuffy and my head was exploding. No we didn't find any tigers in the bathroom but nonetheless it wasn't pretty. Just because they made a really funny and cool movie doesn't mean it is either funny or cool. It sucks. I've been seeing white and red dots ever since I woke up. Actually completing my assignments seems like an insurmountable task. But gotta do what you gotta do, right? And I have to do some 1500 things today. When it rains it sure pours, man! Ok going away from the laptop before this tsunami sized headache kills me.

February 3, 2011

Everything I Ever Wanted To Tell You, Dear Grandmom

Dear Grandma,

I sit staring at my laptop screen for a few minutes desperately searching, grasping for words that would be perfect. Because anything less would not be acceptable. Struggling at painting that perfect picture. So, I'm going to do the best that I possibly can.

We should've had less arguments. More agreements. We should've had more conversations over cups of tea. About you. About me. And about how you inspired me. I should've written more letters. Talked on the phone more often. I should've told you how much you mean to me. That a lot of what I am today is because of you. The distance separating us should've been less. I should've been able to see you more often. But I always loved you and thought about you often. You always slept late. And I slept with you. You told me these fabulous stories. I remember being in such awe of them, refusing to let my eyes close before the story was over. Till date I don't know if you made them up for me or whether you read it somewhere. Sometimes, you read off a book. Weaving magic into every word.  It's time for me to tell your story. I'm not sure if I can tell it like you did, but I'm trying.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about you. Maybe it's the fact that Mr. B's grandmom is in town and the only thing I remember is knowing I have the world's greatest grandmom but then reality kicks in and my sensible self tells me you're not here anymore. This doesn't mean you ain't with me. I'm not sure where to begin this story because I'm not sure when the unadulterated, blinding, idontcarewhatanyoneelsethinks kind of love began. Did it begin when you heard Ma was pregnant with me? Or was it when you first held me, or was it when I first called you 'Didu'? I don't know where and when it began but I know that it lasted through some easy, hard, crazy, angry, sad and happy times. It lasted across oceans. 

You were no ordinary woman. And like the amazing woman you were you did some amazing things for us. If I told people about the time when you moved to Bangalore without knowing anything about the language or the people there they'd be amazed at how well you handled it all. If I told them about the time when you learned Kannada to make life easy, or when you schooled yourself to understand English when your kids were born (Ma and her 2 brothers only spoke in English at that time), they'd respect you. If I told them how you took care of 3 children when Grandpa passed away and none of the children were working, or how you waited to hear from your oldest son in America for 5 years, or how you didn't bat an eyelid when the younger son wanted to join the Army, or how you uprooted your life from Bangalore so that Mum could have a better life elsewhere they'd know you never gave up. 

You scolded us, told us stories, cooked for us, made sure you gave enough love to all of us grandchildren and never complained. You went to America to be with my Uncle, because I think you felt he needed you more than us at that point and I'm sure it was one of the most difficult things you did. It's never easy to adjust in a foreign land especially in your 60s. I remember that day when we left you to the airport.

And I remember the day when my sister called me up to tell me about you. Her voice was trembling and I knew it even before she could complete the sentence. Before that I had numerous conversations with Uncle about your deteriorating health and how we didn't want you to suffer. We were expecting it. But nothing can EVER prepare you for the death of a loved one. Nothing. But they tell me you didn't suffer, which is all I wanted. 2 months later I can think of you without that piercing pain but I can never get rid of the lump in my throat. 

Once I had started working and had less time for myself and much less time for others I had promised myself to write a handwritten letter to you. I never got to it. And I know it's too late now. But I hope you know how much I love you and appreciate the person you are and the person you helped me be. I hope you know you were my soul mate in more ways than one. You always said the right things, the most beautiful things. One day when I have kids of my own I will tell them about the person that was you and hopefully they will see what I saw all those years ago, sleepy eyed beside you, while your mouth formed the words that would make a magical story. Hopefully they'll see and know exactly what I saw.

All those nights when the world slept while we talked of fairies and kings and talking animals I hoped for forever. And forever it shall be.

With Love From Me To You,

February 2, 2011

Li Ho Ma! (Life List, When Work Sucks, Putting The 'We' In Awesome)

First things first. That random Taiwanese hello (yes, Google Translate is awesome) is for all those people from Taiwan who've been visiting my Blog religiously. Greetings to you my lovelies. I don't know who you guys are or why you're interested in this Blog (and I'm not complaining!) but you guys are totally beating the US and India visits/pageviews hands down!

In other things I finished writing down most of my Life List items. There are still some to go and Imma get to that later. Listing these out I realized that most of them are to do with Love & Travel. Kind of makes sense. Those are mostly the things that could interest me any time of day, any day of the week. I want to be able to strike at least 10 of them off this year. Amen!

Also, right now, work is totally sucking the life blood out of me. With everything that's going on or everything that has come to a standstill (sounds more apt) I totally feel like I'm playing a game with my fictitious older brother who also happens to be an asshole. Remember the game you played with your older sibling that you could never ever win?

Fictitious Older Brother: You throw the ball. If I catch it I win!
*I throw the ball. He misses.*
Me: YAY! You didn't catch it, so I win!
Fictitious Older Brother: NO YOU DON'T! Because I have double crazy dragon ball abilities and you can't throw the ball with your right hand, which you did. So I win. Also, I have catch fire power where even when I haven't caught the ball I have actually caught it. So again, you lose.

Also you HAD to keep playing this game with your asshole fictitious older brother AKA Assfickilicious bro because either you'll be tortured or excluded from any future ball games or he'd tell on you for something you're not even sure u did. So I keep playing this game. Just wait till I'm grown up to know better!

I was thinking about a lot of random things today, not unlike most times. Have you seen how some people say 'I put the ME in AWESOME'? I would rather put the WE in 'Awesome.' I mean, come on, it's no fun being awesome all alone! You should always have other awesome people to share your awesomeness with, for eg, the awesome things you say or the awesome things you do. Only a truly awesome person can appreciate genuine awesomeness. So if you're awesome alone, people will think you're a misfit or just a tad weird. Uhh, now an awesome person wouldn't want that right?

Oh and did I mention Awesome? Yea, I think I did. But you get the drift. Also, since you made it to the end of this post, 10 brownie points to you! Because I really had my doubts.

Zai ken! (For my Taiwanese friends, again)

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