February 27, 2011

Monologue #2

*Post written on Jan 20. Set to be published a month later. I just want to see how far I've gone from this frame of mind a month from now*

Don't Tempt To Be Everything I Ever Dreamt You Would Be...

It's so easy to fool one self into thinking something. But, who are we kidding? I mean who was I kidding when I told myself I'm just here till he wants, nothing else...When the time comes and those feelings we feel haven't deepened (for you of course, as for me I'm drowning in the tide of my feelings)  I'll let you go. Yeah, right.

Why did I always tell myself that I'm here till he wants it and when the time comes and I'll be strong and I'll get over it. When in fact I never will. I never will.

When you're unsure and you don't know where you're heading, everyday can be a battle, every second a hurdle. Every moment you're struggling to keep your head up from the clouds of insecurity, pessimism. Think happy thoughts, I tell myself. It takes time to build love, I tell myself. And everyday I wait for a wonder.

But I don't want to wait for a wonder. I don't want any mixed signals. I love truth. I want the plain, simple, harsh truth. Even if it meant that I'd be hurt. I don't want to be carrying and protecting that torch for you if all you want is someone to take the loneliness away. I don't want to be no backup option, which I'm afraid I am. This is why I never ask you to chose even in the throes of a bad fight. Because I know, I'll never be the choice you make. How much more can you love someone? How much more? I have been a fool for you...I know that I will be a fool for you for a long time to come. Like always.

But the problem is not you or what you'd say or won't say, what you'd do or won't do. The Problem is me. Cos I know I will wait, as long it takes. Even when I know I shouldn't, I will wait. That can't be good. I'm afraid, that some 10 years down the line, I will be thinking, 'I'm still not over him.'

Yes, The problem is...That I'll keep on waiting. Because you tempt to be everything I ever dreamt you would be. 

It's just one of those days I guess.

*UPDATE: I'm effing on top of the world bitches! Jeez, I can write quite a sob story when I want to, hmph.*


Nas said...

You're right, there are times in life when you feel like a fire-fighter, not planning for tomorrow, but putting out flames as they come and where they come. Your hands are so full that you don't have time to do anything else.

And you're also right that you'd rather be told straight up what someone thinks of you, and thus be saved building up your hope which may come crashing down. If it hurts it'll hurt yes, but slowly the pain will become like background music.

It's hard to get over people. I hate it when people say, 'just get over it'. Because sometimes you never do.


I did a lot of agreeing there, and wrote a comment nearly as long as your post!

Hope you're having a lovely weekend

Anonymous said...

Found you on 20sb. Love your blog and loving your writing. Looking forward to future posts.

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