It's No Ordinary Love

**Cigarette Smoking is Injurious to Health**

I remember the first time I picked up a cigarette. It was a mundane Monday evening (sometime in late June) in a pub called 10 Downing Street in Hyderabad, India. It wasn't love at first sight. Was just plain lust. Trying to wrap my head around the mysticism that is around something that is new, unknown.

The love affair started on Friday of the same week. Same place. They say you never lose love for a friend who's been with you at your weakest and darkest point. That was probably my darkest and weakest hour. Fresh out of a almost 3 year long relationship, I was giving up with every word, every move. Hanging onto my sanity by a thread. Looking for love where there was none. Trying to believe in the superficial. I remember lighting the first cigarette of the evening like it was yesterday. Whenever I'm trying to picture it I can't remember the colors that surrounded us. It's like an old black and white movie in my head. Sometimes I wonder why I remember it so clearly. Even to the minute details, for example, the table we had, the drinks we ordered, which chair I was sitting on.

And sometimes I think it's because that was the first time in MONTHS that I let my self be, let myself not think. As I fit the cigarette snugly between my two fingers, it felt right. I stared at the ember, took it all in and let it out. For the first time in a long time my mind was free of thoughts and my heart didn't ache that bad. One more drag and then a couple more till I slowly drifted away into thoughtlessness. I danced like a mad woman. That's what Upasana tells me.

Since then those white sticks have been with me every single day. Mr Ultra Milds and I, we have never looked back. Us, together, the world just made sense that way. I mean do you know what we've been through? Disastrous meetings with Managers, reunion with friends, collapsible fits of laughter, one whole year of Insomnia, pensive times, bad reality TV, chick flicks that I have seen way too many times, midnight snacking, late night chats, falling in love again, way too many broken hearted moments, confusions, happiness, rainy evenings, and days when you just want lie in your bed and die. No man would ever do that, but Mr. Ultra Milds did. How can I not love him the way I do?

Over these 3 years it's become an important part of my life. That's not the best thing to say, but that's the truth. It's like the friend that always turns up when you want it to, never too far away. I remember the times when this friend was called upon way too many times. Those days are over. I don't want him to be around all the time. But so many times I've pulled out a cigarette when life didn't make sense. To ease that troubled soul of mine. To make sense when there was none. And sometimes to just invite Mr. Thoughtlessness. Because Mr Ultra Milds, Mr. Thoughtlessness and me, we make a super threesome. All those times I've sat in the park near my house on a cold winter evening or a hot summer afternoon smoking a cigarette thinking about this thing called Life, they've only brought me closer to myself, to my beliefs. Essential threads in the fabric of my existence. It's funny how these white sticks that are not really doing much good to me (yes, I know about the Cancer threat and all) did a whole lot of soul healing. It's like the boy you know is bad news but you keep going back because you just can't get enough.

But it's time to let you go. It's time to not call you to fix all the bad times and relationships. I know that something always brings you back to me me back to you. But this is the year that I set you free. Set myself free. We don't need each other anymore. In these past years I had convinced myself that you were everything I needed. You helped me from being fragile. However, I've decided that post this year I'm gonna go it alone. Do my own thang, ya know :)

Three Girls & An Earthquake

January 20, 1:53 AM: An earthquake measuring 7.4 on the Richter scale rocked the desert area in Southwest Pakistan. Miles away it shook Delhi in the wee hours of a cold winter night. And of course it rocked our house as well in South Delhi. This is our story.

I am Upasana and Akanksha's (AKA Shukla) virtual roommate. I'm usually spending my days and nights at Mr. B's. But, Mr. B was in Mumbai. On that particular night, getting drunk, to be precise. My boo is really cute when he is drunk. That's not what the post is about, though.

We'd been talking about random girl shit till about 1:30 AM in the morning. Using markers to see how we'd look with nose piercings. And how we'd 'deal' with our next birthday. It had been 5 minutes since we decided it was high time we went to sleep if we had to make it to office tomorrow. Shukla was talking about something, I don't quite remember what and Upasana was trying to sleep, when suddenly the bed starts moving. My imagination went on overdrive and everything I saw in Paranormal Activity 2 kind of became real. Then I heard Upasana shout (almost), 'Shukla! stop moving the bed youuuuuuuu...aaaaaaaahhhh!' That sentence ended with a weird scream instead of a 'idiot' or a bitch' because Upasana saw the ceiling fan swaying on the ceiling. And in those 3 seconds of that happening I thought to myself 'OMG! That demon is totally swinging from the fan...NOOOO!'

Shukla was the first to realise that it was an earthquake. My first instinct was to pull the covers over myself and sleep through it. Yes, my survival instincts weren't exactly at their best at that time. Anyhoo, by the time we got out of the bed the rattling and the shaking stopped. For 5 secs. Only to come back with a vengeance. The doors and windows started rattling, stuff toppled over from the TV. This time Shukla didn't waste anytime. I kid you not the following that I'm about to describe happened in less that 15 seconds.

Shukla shouted 'earthquake...EARTHQUAKE!' running towards the door. In one fluid motion... OK not so fluid motion because the chair fell down and she almost dragged it out of the house...she took her over coat and ran down 4 FLOORS. She was no where to be seen. 15 secs ends.

I'm sure if we (Upasana and I) hadn't seen such a brilliant demonstration of emergency we wouldn't have stepped out of the door. We're laid back that way. We ran out of the house and are about to climb down the stairs when I turn around and ask Upasana, 'Should we lock the door?' LOCK THE DOOR?! What WERE we thinking. It was a freaking earthquake. Uhhh...and we did lock that door. Later on, Upasana told me she also wanted to take her ATM card. I understood. Go ahead, judge us. I won't blame you for it. As expected by the time we reached downstairs the earthquake had passed us by. Shukla, again as expected, was busy telling us how foolish we really are and how stupid we are to LOCK THE DOOR!

Climbing up I realised I was wearing something really horrible and couldn't help myself from saying 'What am I wearing!' Anyway, we came up picked up the stuff lying around and switched on the TV to see how bad it was. And by the way, India had just won a cricket match that they were almost going to lose and for the next 10 mins the major news channels proceeded to show how 'India Won A Thriller.' Damn, an earthquake just rocked our world, can we have some information please?!

Ok, so what did I learn?

1. Earthquakes really don't care if you're sleeping

2 If you're survival instincts are not that great or just plain lousy like mine, it's probably a good idea to have a roommate who is blessed in that department.

3. It's a good idea to not keep breakable stuff on the TV in case an earthquake hits you.

4. Shukla really only needs like 10 seconds to climb down 4 floors. And Upasana and I need Shukla.

5. Don't lock the door if there is an earthquake. In case the building falls, you'd realise there really was no point in that.

6. Earthquake, Tornado, Tsunami: No matter what hits me, when it's over I WILL worry about my choice of clothes. If I'm still alive.

7. In India, if there is an earthquake and India just won some major Cricket match the News Channels will always broadcast the latter first. Yea, that's how we roll!

Ok, I am going to start working, now that I've imparted my precious wisdom on all of you.

The Difference Between You And Me

~I wrote it sometime back. Thought, I might as well publish it. I'm glad I'm not in this frame of mind anymore. Gotta be tough, no?~

There's a difference between you and me

Lucky in love is you, unlucky liaisons, that's me.

You travel across continents knowing you can always come back.

To him.

I stay here beside him hoping he wouldn't.

I'm wide awake and you've got no trouble sleeping.

I'm afraid to hope and you've got no trouble dreaming.

You wake up and you smell the new day.

I'm alive but I remind myself to breathe.

You've got his heart and he's got yours.

Mine is just lost in translation.

If everything happens for a reason

I'd rather not say anything

Cos you're smiling and I'm choking

Through the sunshine and the winter

you'll forget, but I'll remember.

That's the difference between you and me.

I Love Purple...

...Purple reminds me of you.

What's My Sun-Sign Again?!

Work is Bleh. My future is hanging by a thread. And the only thing that I was depending on for consistency was the Daily Horoscope. And now, some RANDOM ASS ASTROLOGICAL DIE HARDS go ahead introduce a 13th Sun Sign into the equation?! Just like that!

I mean ALL my life I've been a Taurean. I LOVE being a Taurean. And I swear to God (though I don't believe in Him) I have those traits, I do I do! And suddenly you tell me, 'Dude, you're Aries from today' and you expect me to just become like an Aries. How how how? That's a lot of pressure, ya know?

You know what? You guys want a 13th Sun sign then you come up with a freaking new month as well. You can't just shift us around to fit your newly 'found' constellation. This isn't exactly like getting a seat in your local train. Whoever you Astrological Die Hards are let me tell you - this is like a BREAK UP! We are HUMANS, we have feelings. Maybe all of those feelings aren't strong as mine. But they are still FEELINGS, dammit.

Ophiuchus. What kind of a name is that?

Dear Ophiuchus, get a new month for yourself. Oh, you want a suggestion? I don't know. How about FUCKYOU-ARY? sounds good to me!

And, what are the Psychics, Horoscope readers, Fortune Tellers to do now? I mean this is a whole new business challenge for them isn't it? I'm sure they have their own set of challenges to deal with. Now they have to change their game, their Modus Operandi. Damn, guys I feel ya. And what about those 'Ophiuchusans' (? - I don't know what they're going to be called, taking a wild guess here) they don't even know what they are like, who they are compatible with, who they can be friends with, and who they are going to marry. HOW WILL YOU LIVE WITH THAT?! I at least have Linda Goodman's book on the other 12 sun signs to fall back on. OMG, now Linda Goodman has to introduce a whole new chapter on her already fat ass book! I'm telling you...This keeps getting  ridiculous by the freaking minute!

Dear Taurus,

You are my one and only true love. I will never leave or disregard you. You and me, together, forever.

Hugs and kisses,

Pooja

Don't Even Try To Explain That!

There are some things I will never understand no matter how much effort or time you invest in explaining these to me. 

1. How do some women eat ridculously small quantities of food? No really, HOW? I mean that's BIRD FOOD, you bird-brained fool!

2. When women wear leggings as pants. No, it's not a brilliant idea no matter how thin you think you are.

3. When people try to 'Pimp' their ride. I mean have you seen the hateful, tasteless things some people put their cars through. Or does it only happen in Delhi.

4. Delhi Boys. I don't understand them. I officially give up on them.

5. Ke$ha. I mean Tik Tok was really good. But, is it just me or is she only singing songs about Clubs and Jack Daniel. There really MUST be other things she can sing about.

6. Totes, Whatevs, Forevs, Rad etc etc: Ugghh! Stop murdering the language!

7. That game called 'Icing.' The last time I checked Icing was still the nice creamy and sweet concoction you put on a cake and it tasted like a dream. However, Google the word 'Icing' now and you'd see that it's synonymous with a stupid game which goes something like - If a person sees a Smirnoff Ice, he or she must get down on one knee and chug it, unless they happen to be carrying their own Smirnoff, in which case they can "ice block," or refract the punishment back onto the attacker. How retarded is THAT. Motherf***ing Goddam! Yes, I feel really strongly about this.

8. Paris Hilton searching for a BFF. How do you look for a BFF in a reality TV show? Ok, maybe I'd do it too if they were paying me shit loads of money But that doesn't mean I understand it!

Yes, I think that's about it for now. So if you're trying to start a conversation with me about any of the above we'll completely hit it off as long as it doesn't involve explaining. We can totally hate on them together.

Book Worm

One of my things to do in my Life List is to pick a year and read 100 books that year. Each book gets around 3.65 days worth of attention. This is not that year. I think it might be 2012. The year that I travel and read books and eat good food.

However, I have a list of books I want to read this year. Some come highly recommended, some I've read about. Anyhoo, here is the list and maybe you guys should get started on some of these as well.

1. "You Suck: A Love Story" by Christopher Moore
2. "The Female Brain" by Louann Md Brizendine 
3. "Straight Up and Dirty: A Memoir" by Stephanie Klein 
4. "Bitter is the New Black : Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass,Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office" by Jen Lancaster.
5. "Something Borrowed" by Emily Giffin
6. "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" by Stieg Larsson
7. "The Bikini Murders" by Farrukh Dhondy
8. "Bookends" by Jane Green

Re-Read These

1. To Kill A Mocking Bird - Harper Lee
2. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
3. Love Story - Erich Segal
4. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
5. The Complete Works of William Shakespeare

Currently Reading: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo & To Kill A Mocking Bird. Yes, I can't just read one book at a time.

Anyway just the thought of finishing these books makes me happy. Can't wait! And if you're my friend and you're reading this, you know what to get me for my birthday. Well, sexy lingerie of course! I always buy my own books. Almost, always. :) 

Dear Cancer, She Is Too Strong For You. Quit While You Can.

Cancer. For a long time the word consisted of a disease that happened to people on TV or somewhere far away. Not to someone who is close to you. Then on September 2010 my Mom was on the verge of stomach cancer resulting from malignant tumors in her uterus. It was detected way in advance, It was checked too, before anything could happen. Touchwood.

But this post is not about my Mom. It is about this amazing woman I know. And yes, she fought Breast Cancer. And is still fighting it in more ways than one. She is 50 and she is "funner" than most 25 year olds. Especially when drunk. Probably the coolest wine glass topper there is. But that is not why I call her amazing. There is so much happening with her and so much that has happened in the past year (that I have heard of) that she has every excuse to be a little sad or a little weak at times. But, hell to the no, she is not one to do any of that. It hardly ever shows on her face. She hardly ever mopes over anything. She always looks at you with a sparkle in her eyes and a smile on her lips. When the music is on, she'll be the first to dance...or the first one to make plans for eating out when things get dull. In the past 3 months or so that I have come to know her the only thing that she has ever been is positive. And she has so much love to give! That love inside of her is magical. And when it comes to showering it over us, she never holds back.

Except for a moment today her resolve, her strength wavered a little bit. Just a tiny little bit. We went to the Hospital today. Just the two of us. Liver Ultrasound. Everything was near about perfect. She came out and I could almost ‘see’ the wave of relief washing over her. Her eyes glazed up with tears as she said, ‘Everything is OK, Pooja. I’m so happy. I really want to see my grandchildren. I really want to play with them.’ I told her that she will because she is too strong for Cancer. I held her hand and we walked out. I turned and the smile was back. So was the sparkle. I smiled to myself and thought:

Dear Cancer, 

This is not a woman you want to mess with. You see that resolve? She’s going to fight you and beat you to death. So don’t come back. You know she’s too strong for you. Quit while you can.

Own Your Beauty Post: I Believe Because You Believe

Own Your Beauty is a groundbreaking, year-long movement bringing women together to change the conversation about what beauty means. Our mission: to encourage and remind grown women that it is never too late to learn to love one's self and influence the lives of those around us - our mothers, friends, children, neighbors. We can shift our minds and hearts and change the path we follow in the pursuit of authentic beauty.

I'll be turning 25 this year. When I look back to when I was 15 or 17 I thought T-W-E-N-T-Y F-I-V-E would be a major milestone in my life. I'd be making so much money I could walk into any store and buy anything that I wanted. I would've met that perfect guy and we'd be making wedding plans. I would have seen some really beautiful countries (mostly the ones with beaches). Also, I'd be rocking the most amazing abs. Life didn't quite turn out that way. And slowly and steadily I've learned not to make those Time Tables for myself. In my life I've learned to think the best of  me, learned to think I'm beautiful, even though I may not be quite feeling it. Only because sometimes somebody else's faith in you is so strong, it is just about enough for the both you :) How?

1991: A 5-year old me runs into my Mom's room. She's putting my 1 month old sister to sleep. I'm jealous. I don't like all the attention that's being directed towards her. Mom knows, because moms know everything. And, of course I'm not doing a good job of hiding my feelings (19 years later, writing this post I realise I'm still not very good at that). I'm on the verge of a tantrum, and any moment a tear might slid off my eyes and roll down my cheek. How dare Mom not sit with me while I'm having my lunch. SHE (my sis) is the guest, I've been here forever! Mom looks at me and smiles that radiant, brilliant smile that makes everything OK. And she says, 'Do you want to hold her and put her to sleep? Look, she's so pretty, just like you.' I looked at my sister and it was love at first sight. In that moment as I stood in the same room with the two women who'd be the reason for my existence and sustenance little did I know that their faith in me will carry me forward and strengthen me. And it'll never change, for anything.

1995/96: I remember being 9/10 years old. Running around that small town called Riverside. Later, I'd know that this was the only place I'd think of when someone said 'Home.' That afternoon Mom's orders were that I had to let my sister tag along. I, of course, created a huge ruckus about how my 10 year old self was not ready for such a huge responsibility. Mom won that argument. But soon running around town I realised I kind of like having someone who followed me with such blind faith. And no matter how much I wanted I couldn't be harsh to her. You couldn't either, if you'd only looked at her innocent, beautiful face. And of course none of my friends had a blind believer! Anyway, so I fell down, on my face. And I was getting ready to cry my eyes out when I looked at my sis and tears had welled up in her eyes even before I could make up my mind to cry. So, I told her it was nothing. Didn't hurt at all. And we laughed about it. Her love and faith till date has not wavered.

2001: I'm 15 and my first crush ever left town without a word. It broke my heart and I thought I wouldn't breathe after this. My best friend of 13 years sat beside me and told me 'He was such a loser anyways, look at you, you'd get anyone!' Point was I wouldn't get just anyone. I was in that awkward puberty stage. But I believed her because she believed in me. I looked at her and I knew she meant it in a way only a best friend can. I said, 'For now, I'd just like to breathe normal.' Shippo said, 'Yeah D, just breathe.' That day we lay down on my bed and made plans about how things would be when we were 25. We were wrong about every single thing, except the fact that we'd still remain friends.

2008: The darkest period of my adult life yet. Stuff I don't talk about. But I remember lying on the cold floor and thinking that this is it. This is where I stop breathing. It cannot get worse. My girls of 2303 came into my room. Picked me up, put me on my bed. I told them I can't deal with this, this is the worst thing ever. Sukanya told me I was right, that this indeed was rock bottom. But, things only get better from here. Mitali chipped in - And anyway, I just asked the Ladies Oracle, you'll die after you turn 70. We all burst out laughing. We spent the night playing that insanely stupid Ladies Oracle. In the middle of it, Suku told me that if he can't see how beautiful you are and wants to do the things he is doing then it isn't worth it. That I need to drill some sense into my head. I believed them, because they believed in me enough to bring up that taboo topic. A month later I sorted things out. I was happy and I was breathing. Again.

2010: One more misjudgment. One more relationship had gone by. The day God said these are the people who'd make really bad decisions when it comes to relationships I bet I was the first in line. Anyhoo, just when I thought I wouldn't fall in love again, Mr. B comes along. I thought, this time maybe things will be different. But things are never how you want them to be. Because the Best Laid Plans never work. But I'm breathing and I haven't lost faith.

I've learned to never to doubt the beauty that's inside you or that surrounds you when things turn sour or when life has you in a corner. Being confident of who you are and what you can be is uber important. You're beautiful. Believe that. Because someone around you has enough faith and love for you to believe you are beautiful even when you're not exactly feeling it or looking it. I found beauty in my friends and family's love for me. Where did you find yours?

No Dearth Of Laughter

Yesterday Mr. B asked me 'What do you write about on your blog?' He knows I have one but doesn't know where and how to get to it. Just because I think it'd be weird for him to read what I'm writing.

Anyhoo, so to get back to the question. I wasn't honestly going back to the posts and re-reading them. They were just thoughts and I wrote them down and moved on. So, I couldn't really give him a summary. I decided to go back and read the posts.

WHAT THE FUCK! No really, I mean WHAT THE FUCK! I sound fucking sad, like some freaking damsel in distress. Just a disclaimer: I have so much going on during the day, so much silliness, randomness, laughter. I'm really NOT thinking about distressful shit most of the time. Hell, I don't have time from working and staring at Mr. B's cute face or cracking up with laughter at the antics of Upasana/Vineet/Shukla to be thinking so much. It;s just when the thought crosses the mind I prefer jotting it down to make myself feel a little better.

Just wanted to clarify this for whoever is reading it. Because Blogger Stats tell me that somewhere around 5-15 people are viewing this blog everyday. Whoever you guys are, I'm cooler than I sound. Kthxbi.

KazKaz

I'm such an effing optmist! Sarcasm alert.

I was making this iTunes playlist on my iTunes ofcourse named KazKaz. Reason? I was thinking if I had to spend my last day ever with Blackberry what are the songs I'd want playing in the background or not-so-background. You know? I bet you dont! I'm just an effing epitome of optimism sometimes. I think of the best things, the most brilliant things. ARGH!

Anyway, this is what is coming up. My 'Own Your Beauty' post. It's this year-long campaign by BlogHer. This is the brief on it: "Own Your Beauty is a groundbreaking, year-long movement bringing women together to change the conversation about what beauty means. Our mission: to encourage and remind grown women that it is never too late to learn to love one's self and influence the lives of those around us - our mothers, friends, children, neighbors. We can shift our minds and hearts and change the path we follow in the pursuit of authentic beauty."

I got this cool widget of theirs too :)

Resolutions And The Works

I have decided. 2011 is going to be the year of Living-in-the-moment, Taking-it-one-day-at-a-time, Travel (yes, I stopped caring about the struggle to keep my head above the poverty line and vacation leaves left at work a while ago), Less unnecessary clothes (should make more room in my account for those travel plans), More fitness (my abs have been begging to see the daylight for a while now), and a few things more - some absolutely not essential for my existance and some to make this world a slightly better place. Remember that misplaced sense of responsibilty?

Things That Matter:

1. Donate for the education of children in my country (after all charity starts at home!). My dad always told me that education is not only important but an integral part of the growth of a country, a nation, and a human being. This is what frees the mind. And when the mind is free nothing is impossible! This is what will help us from breaking away from the shackles of the religious, cultural, racial, and geographic barriers.

So, this year I'm going to make the lives of atleast 3 under-priviledged children better. Help them get introduced to education. Help them free their mind. And yes, it doesn't stop here. I'm going to do this every year (ofcourse the number will change, hopefully, depending on how my salary changes). You should do it too, because in this day and time it's so easy and every little thing can be done online. Here are 2 websites that are genuine and you won't have to worry if your money has been honestly spent. 1) Give India and 2) CRY ORG.

2. Recycle - My aim is to recycle everything that can be recycled Or at least make an attempt to put the right stuff in the Recycle Bin. And no, I'm not talking about the one that's on my laptop screen! Smartass.

3. Old clothes and books - Will donate them on a regular basis. There is too much that we keep because we don't know what to do with them. Giving it to somebody who needs it more that your Cupboard is definitely an awesome idea.

Things That Matter Too (In a weird way)

1. Exercise more. Not weird. This is a totally sane new year's resolution. Haven't started it because there is too much work (read: I'm just being plain lazy and I would rather stare at the ceiling mindlessly then go to the gym). But I guess I owe it to myself and I am going to start from Jan 12 (I swear...ugghh). Like I mentioned before those abs really need to see some sunlight, hopefully in Malaysia or Goa. Anyhoo.

2. Travel More. One more non-weird item that made it to my list. ha! I don't have the places in mind. But I will travel more for sure. And try to take Blackberry along with me whenever possible. Good.

3. Watch more reality TV. I realised it makes me feel less demented and insane and out of place. Those contestants are whacked out dude! They just make me feel like a much better person. Some of them of make me go crazy and I say WTF in my head like a 1000 times over. But, hey, love 'em or hate 'em you really cannot ignore them. Unless of course there is no electricity.

4. Dance Classes! You would say that exclamation mark was unnecessary. But I'd say it wasn't. Had completely forgotten about it. Just remembered now. That I'm going to start from Feb 2011.

5. The rest of the list comes here. They need no explanation (read: I really don't want to give you an explanation) -- smile more, cry more, kiss more, laugh more, love more, know when to shut up, know when to speak, call home more often, talk to sisters more often, eat less junk, meet new people, swim in the summers, go for more walks in the Spring-ish season that we have (Mar & April), less Facebook, hog less, meet new people, be faithful to my blog, throw less tantrums (I'm NOT promising ANYTHING, I'll TRY)

Note: This list is under construction.

Some of this might make sense and some of this might not make sense at all. I mean, come on, it ain't easy to be me. My life list for the year is really supposed to make sense only to me. Hope the year started off well for all of you (whoever you are).

Rhythm Of Love

And long after I've gone, You'll still be humming along
And I will keep you in my mind, The way you make love so fine

We may only have tonight
But till the morning sun you're mine, all mine
Play the music low and sway to the rhythm of love <3

Baby Got Sick

Blackberry has been super sick since yesterday :(

He stayed up till I don't know what time because he couldn't breathe. In the morning again, he was shivering. You know the feeling when you're wrapped in helplessness? All you want to is make it better for that someone but you can't. That's how it was.

Blackberry also has this condition which is a lot like Sleep Apnea. AAAHHH! It effing WORRIES me to death. I can't tell you how much! 

OK, Dear God, Imma make a deal with you. You don't let him be this sick EVER AGAIN and get rid of his breathing condition. In return, he can decide to be with anyone (I think I know who) and won't ever blame you (yes, YOU, God) for the way things turned out. Good. Let's shake on it now. Or not. Whatever you prefer.

Monologue #1

Someone told me that my monologue turned them on. Haha. But seriously, I have these things going on in my head and sometimes they are pretty profound. Yes, I can be really modest. Here goes the first one.

The Best things in life come free. Whoever said that didn't know shit about shit. You have to work to earn those things in life that you want and think are best for you. Like, you cannot possibly walk into someone's life and expect them to drop everything else for you or for yourself to start meaning everything to them. It takes time. All good things take time. You have to get there and work to get there. Love, friendship, trust, relationships - All take time and effort.

I'm working towards it as well. I hope to mean everything to you.

2011

2010 in one word was 'fastantastic.' Hell yeah, I'm gonna make up my own word because the English language just isn't sufficient at times. I don't mind 2010 at all. You were good, baby.

By the way, I brought in the new years in the best way possible. For real.

With Mr. Blackberry - check

Barbeque and friends - check

Booze N Music - check

Dancing beneath the stars (while we shivered like jelly in the cold) - Hell yeah! :D

Emotional conversation with Blackberry's Dad - check

Tears - check

Waking up super happy - CHECKKKK!

Oh yes, AND I also have my resolutions in place. That's really a story for another post. I'm going to give you a 101 soon (Yes, I'm hoping that somebody's reading this, if not, that's cool too. After all the intention was to vent not publicize).

I really want to expand on the 'Dancing beneath the stars' bit but somethings are only meant for you to know and treasure. When I'm 70 I'll sit back and smile when I think of this. Oh, and hopefully Mr. Blackberry will be right there cracking cheap jokes. Did I tell you that he's probably the King of Cheap Jokes/One-liners? And I love it! But that's not all I love about him. I have a list of my own, which is predictably named 'Why I love Mr. Blackberry.' It's a mental list of-course, because I'm all about mental lists. When I'm in the mood I'll put it down on paper...err...this blog for whoever is reading it.

Jan 1 was brilliant as well. Lot of partying though. And too many special moments. I'm still saving the freaking rubber band that you tied around my finger. Also, very conveniently to avoid any embarrassment to him and to eradicate any awkward moments I didn't bring it up at all. He didn't either, so I'm guessing it's a good decision I took. However, in that moment we were infinite. Yes, infinite.

It's the third of January and things are back to normal. Super cold. And Blackberry is tucked in the bed. I'm going right there. Happy New Year!