April 11, 2011

Figments Of My Imagination

"...I would have named them Grace & Hope"

She gripped the edges of the washbasin in a dilapidated washroom of this huge hospital. She could feel her palms becoming cold and clammy as she stared at her knuckles that had turned white because she held onto the basin so tight. She almost didn't have the courage to walk out of the washroom with her urine sample. Then slowly but steadily she looked into the mirror and wondered why she was so afraid to take the urine sample to the attendant. It had already been confirmed. She was pregnant. This sample was for some other tests. So why the hesitation? It really, actually took her only 2 secs to figure that one out. Just by walking out of the room she would be setting in motion the events that would lead to the operation she was dreading. But what choice did she have. Many would say, it was the wrong thing to do. But she couldn't, she really couldn't. This wasn't the right time. They weren't ready. She couldn't bring a baby into this world knowing she wouldn't be able to give it her everything. It just wasn't fair. She knew what she had to do. So, why did she get this sinking feeling.

Deep Breath. And she walks out of the room. Her vision is blurry but the decision has already been taken. Handing over the urine sample she set in motion the events that would remain etched in memory as long as she lived. As long as she breathed.

As she waited for the cab to reach the hospital. Everything about the meeting with the gynac kept replaying over and over in her thoughts till she thought she'd lose her mind!

Doc: Hi, how long has it been since...
Her: 2 weeks approx
Doc: Ok. Lie down.
Her: Ok
Doc: What do you do?
Her: I work in this agency downtown.
Doc: Definitely pregnant. Looks more like 8 weeks. A pill won't work We need a medical termination. How is tomorrow for you?
Her: Tomo is good, but, 8 weeks...
Doc: Good. Don't come alone. And don't eat anything. Get these tests done and be here by 8:30 sharp.

She fought to regain control. She had to go back to him. Needed to be with him. Hold his hand and just sit.

As soon as she walked into the office and saw him she let the tears flow. She let go of the control she had desperately held onto. She'll try and be strong later. For now, she just wanted to break down.

It was the morning after. She tried to soak everything in. She tried to remember every little detail. Even though there wasn't anything happy or nice about today she still wanted to remember every little thing that happened and she had no idea why. As they drove into the parking lot of the Hospital a shiver ran down her spine. Wishing desperately that she could have been a real life re-run of Juno but knowing that couldn't happen.

The wait for the nurses to appear. The change  of clothes. The super loose hospital clothes. Going to a separate bed where she waited some more. Making sure he was there all along. Everything was a blur. The only thing that kept her from losing her ming was his presence. The assurance that he wasn't going anywhere. Then popping some pills that started this excruciating pain. They really should have warnings for something like this. As she lay in the gurney which was being taken to the OT she could only hear her heart throbbing. Everything else was like a background score. As they wheeled her into the OT she caught a glimpse of his face. And she saw badly veiled panic. Closing her eyes she fought for control.

The doctor tried to make some conversation. In vain. Nothing registered. As the attending anesthesiologist pumped some general anesthesia into her veins the doctor said something else that caught her attention. She remembered the Gynac saying it as well.

Doc: Since the uterus looks like almost 8 weeks into the pregnancy we'll give you some antibiotics later on so that there are no post-operation complications.
Her: But, it can't be 8 weeks.
Doc: I know what you mean. Looks like there is more then one in there.

She wanted to say something, she wanted to cry. But the anesthesia had taken over. The cold liquid was in her veins doing what it did best.

2 hours later when she woke up, still drowsy, but able to process everything all she wanted to was to see him and make sure nothing had changed in the world while she was away. Later, after some usual hospital drama, with him sitting by her side she thought...

...Next time, I'm going to be here on my own terms and conditions. Next time, I'll prepare for you (both of you) and give you everything you need. And Love. I'll give you the love you deserve. For now, you'll be the Hope and Grace of my life.


upasana said...

Is it strange that I can so relate to this! Wonderfully well written..

Gnetch said...

This story was so sad but it was so beautifully written that I loved it.

Maryx said...

Oh wow... My stomach is churning. Very well written. And extremely scary.

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