April 21, 2011

Weekend Education: Dating Don'ts Part 2

I'm back with my overflowing profound knowledge of the dating universe. While the last one was about how you get started on the journey with the right partner, this one is about the journey. Because, well you know there are some third parties who always have a pre-defined agenda to spoil what you have going on because they think it's cute or bitchy or retarded or whatever and they don't know that they are PISSING POEPLE OFF ENOUGH TO GET THEM MURDERED BECAUSE THEIR HEADS ARE SO FAR UP THEIR ASSES THAT EVEN RESEARCHERS WOULD THINK THEY ARE A DIFFERENT SPECIES! 'ASSOLORDS' ...maybe.

Okay, I feel better now. But, seriously, the way things are right you better be holding on to that guy for dear life because before you start acting pricey and bat your eyelids one too many times a third party would have had babies with your supposedly better halves.

Now, there are some ground rules before I start with my training on getting rid of Assolords. Let's call it Project: Demolition.

Ground Rules:

1. Your 'Better Half' isn't necessarily better than you.
       Corollary to 1: This means he is prone to cheating unless you are convinced he/she is devoid of any genitals. 
2. Murphy's Law: Just when you think he has sworn his entire sperm sac/uterus (whatever the case may be) to you he/she will somehow end up being attacked by an over-hormonal bitch/dog. For what happens next refer to Ground Rule 1.
3. You are allowed to attack/mutilate/castrate any third party (referred to in Ground Rule 2) that appears in your life. Except killing almost everything else is allowed.
4. This post does not take into consideration the Laws of the State which could result in imprisonment or trials.
5. Because of Ground Rule 4 this post will give you techniques of combatting or demolishing the Third Party without jeopardizing your life career etc.

Okay here goes...

1. Get Your Girl Army Together

Cold shoulders, snide comments, looks with daggers, bitchy once overs - Your weapons. These people we are dealing with can deal with all of these one by one but not all of them together. So get your army and make sure they are being bombarded with these and more at all times. Relentlessly. Till they give in and decide it's better to not have such negative people in their lives. We are of course not negative. Just pretending to be *smile*
Examples: Drop a coke on them and be like - Oops, I'm soooo sorry. How could I have done that! I really didn't see, you know.
Accidentally bump into them, Hard
Look at her top and say, OMG this is such a nice shirt/top/whatever. If you lost an inch around your waist it would look so nice on you!

2. PDA

Indulge in nauseating amounts of PDA in front of them. If it's nauseating for you, rest assured it's nauseating for them. They are bound to back out.

3. Gum In Hair

This will ensure she gets PWNED and knows that she can't mess with you. Ofcourse this is the part that comes when you think nothing else is working. Buy your favorite chewing gum, chew it for sometime and then with a flair, that only a professional thief like Danny Ocean could have, stick it on her hair. She'll chop her hair off and hopefully look ridiculous. But she'll also know not to be around YOU!

Now that you are well equipped and prepared, have fun in the weekend!


upasana said...

Ok! Guerrilla warfare at it's best! well you gotta be prepared bitch :P

M said...


I've become an expert at all of the above except #3. How do you stick gum in hair without the @#$%^&*@#$% getting to know?

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